You know what's hard to admit?
When you finally understand the feeling that's been roiling under the surface, barely visible. Sitting in church last weekend the truth washed over me. The truth about job searching for months and months with little success.
There's an expectation during this waiting period of unwavering trust in God and contentment in your circumstances. I know that's what people expect. I know exactly what responses to give. I know how to plaster a fake, pleasant smile on my face and answer the questions people typically as an unemployed job searcher. Everyone means well, of course, and at some point after these conversations, when the annoyance fades, I remember that fact.
Pretending to be fine for as many months eventually makes you believe it's true. There have been many moments where my true feelings well up to the surface and exit my body in an outpouring of overwhelming emotion. But, sitting in the row of cushioned chairs at church I knew I wasn't fine. I was able to put a name to this thing inside me: Rage. I had made myself believe I was content during this waiting season, knowing I would understand the plan eventually, but inside I raged with an unbridled fury at my circumstance. A fury at not understanding and seeing no results from all the hard work put in.
Before the rain began pattering on the trees and grass and the tin roof of the porch this morning, my devotional talked about giving our burdens to the Lord. Letting go of the things too big for us to carry by ourselves, too big for human hands. I have such a hard time letting go of my problems and worries. The loss of control feels foreign and unfamiliar, but I'm going to try it out. I'll let you know how it goes.
Comments