Let me be the first to say it: What. Happened!? Three weeks without a post or even an update! How could I be so thoughtless of you, readers? The truth is in the lasts three weeks I have had to completely devote my time and energy toward making final changes and edits to my masters project, including building an entire website to display the photos and stories of my participants. You have no idea how much I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with you all. I have dearly missed you, readers, and I am so happy to be back.
I've ridden a roller coaster of emotions over the last three weeks, some of which are hard to put into words, they were so overwhelming. Have you ever felt that overwhelming sense of relief? The kind that sweeps over you with a rush of emotion so strong your eyes well up and you just try to take a deep shaking breath? This is the kind of relief you feel when you've poured yourself into a project so deeply that to see it finished and done makes you feel an emotion you can't even put a name to because it's too big and covers too many feelings to be captured in just one word. I felt this amorphous emotion the day I sent my advisor my 'final draft' of my project before sending it to on to my committee for review and more feedback.
I sat inside a Starbucks near my house putting the finishing touches on what I felt was the best version of my project to be written up to this point, and as I pressed the send button the feeling I described washed over me. It was as if I was sitting in the wet, gritty sand of the ocean feeling waves rush over me again and again, so strong was the emotion I felt. I very nearly cried sitting by the window looking out at the parking lot and trying to avoid making eye contact with the people inside. It was a great relief to feel done. That is, until I had to make many more changes before my defense the next week. But now, I am officially, done, and it feels so good. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders, as they say.
Now my attention is turning back to the blog and you, my faithful readers, and the great task of finding a job. In the meantime, I have taken to walking in the mornings after seeing Ryan off to work and listening to podcasts. I know, I know. I'm incredibly late to the podcast game. I only just now started listening to them and really searching for ones that can improve my craft (writing), deepen my relationship with God, or make me laugh, or all three wrapped into one. I love hearing what other writers, and successful ones at that, do with their time, and how they approach the process of writing a book or a blog. Listening to people like Annie F. Downs, Emily P. Freeman, Jessica Turner, and Ted Dekker talk about their writing, how they began their career in it, what inspired their first book, what inspired them to blog, how all of these elements entwine with their faith, etc. inspires me to go after my biggest childhood dream of being an author. I haven't had that Aha! moment just yet, but I can feel the creative gears beginning to slowly creak back into life. I mean, in a smaller way I'm accomplishing my childhood dream right now by writing this blog. It's a small step, but that's how you run. By taking the first step.
After months of feeling constant stress and pressure to meet dwindling deadlines while dragging the person who should be guiding me to meet them too, I feel peace. I feel like I can finally let the tension out of my muscles and ease away the knots in my stomach that made me ache with every new email from my advisor. It's a miracle I got out of grad school without developing an ulcer. Just admitting that I feel at peace is a relief.
So, what are my plans for the time between now and finding a job, you ask? I want to focus more on my health and wellness by getting back into a workout routine, which I've neglected for a while now. I would also like to get back into a regular quiet time, which had to be pushed aside some days to finish my project. Another goal of mine is to eat healthier and make more conscious decisions about the foods I eat. Ryan and I recently both got FitBits, which has helped with both of these already. We've made a little competition out of it to see who can get the most steps each day. These little watch devices also let you see your heart rate throughout the day, which has been intriguing to know what activities really make my heart rate jump. I feel like my homework ought to be learning more about what that actually means, but for now I'm satisfied by seeing the pulsing number on my wrist. Well, I hope you can forgive me for my absence in July, readers, but I've taken up my pen, paper and coffee once more to write another day! Happy sipping.
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