Growing Pains: What Doesn't Kill You

I have been a student for almost 20 years of my life, which is a considerable amount of time. During those 20 years I've been a very good student. I won't say excellent, but a very good student. I've always placed a high value on school. You might say it's because I'm a people-pleaser, an overachiever, and determined to be the best, and you're right. I like to excel at what I do and I'll stay up all night or sit at a coffee shop for hours on end to do it. Growing up my parents always told me it didn't matter what the grade was as long as I tried my hardest and felt I had done my best.

In high school, I just put my head to the grindstone and worked until I couldn't anymore. In college, I discovered my favorite coffee shop, 929, who have the best caramel macchiato, where I would set up shop for hours. Sitting in 929 working on schoolwork, I watched people come and go every few hours as I sat in those hard plastic chairs for 5, sometimes even 7 hours at a time. Sipping a foamy, hot, caramel flavored beverage from large coffee cups just seems to stimulate my mind and make the words flow onto the page effortlessly. Choosing a writing-heavy major means I spent a lot of time being surrounded by notebooks, books and random papers.

After changing my major three times I finally settled on the one thing I'm really good at, writing. So, journalism is what I poured myself into and it became my passion. I was published over 20 times in our student-run newspaper called The Reflector and excelled in my writing classes. I learned about how to find and approach reliable sources for stories, and how nuanced the ethical considerations are for journalists. Here, I had the opportunity to cover breaking and developing stories on Mississippi State's campus and in the city of Starkville. In high school, I graduated in the top 12% of my class of about 530 students, and in college I graduate Summa Cum Laude, which translates to with highest honors. I say all of this to say, I've been a good student for 20 years. I've had some of the best teachers, who took the time to cultivate a passion inside me and who gave me guidance and direction. Don't get me wrong, it was hard to keep all the balls in the air and juggle everything at once.

We all face obstacles in life, and some would say those are what make us who we are. They shape us into people we never thought we would be. When you're faced with a seemingly insurmountable task or challenge is when you find out what you're really made of. It's when you either grow stronger or you crumble under the pressure. As much as we would like life to be easy and to avoid the bumps in the road ahead, challenges make you strong of mind and in spirit. I've had my fair share of challenges, obstacles, and just plain crappy situations. Have you ever had to just grit your teeth and keep pushing through one of those challenges? Even when it's the hardest thing you've ever done? Even when you want to give up? Even when doing that feels like you're lowering yourself and letting people walk all over you?

That's how finishing my masters degree feels at this point. Every time I start to see progress and the pieces begin falling into place I'm thrown right back to square one. Having teachers from my undergraduate degree who cared enough about my education to answer questions, to meet with me to talk about assignments or problems I was having set a standard for what I expected from my masters program. Most of my teachers thought I would be a great journalist and offered to give me recommendations for any job I applied for, but one teacher recommended I pursue a masters degree. That recommendation was one of the only reasons I even considered applying to a masters program. To my surprise and after making something up as my reason for wanting to get one in my letter of intent, I got accepted! That first semester was the hardest semester of school I've experienced. My cohort and I spent countless hours trying to figure it all out together and leaning on each other for support. Listening to the PhD students talk about their time in their masters programs gave me an idea of what I should expect, like working so closely with an advisor that you become friends.

The best cohort at the end of our first year.

The cohort, plus some new faces! Can you tell we love each other?

I expected so much from this program, but I never expected to rely on this group as much as I do for creative help and inspiration. Not to mention the occasional get together to let off steam. I also never expected to have so little guidance and direction from a teacher and advisor. Remember that man from Greek mythology who had to push a boulder up a hill? Sisyphus? And every time he got close to the top they both tumbled back to the bottom just to begin climbing all over again? I can relate to that guy, to his struggle getting up the hill. I know what it's like to be weighed down by your circumstances. Getting a masters degree is hard enough. Ask anyone in my cohort at the University of Memphis and they'll tell you it is not for the faint of heart or the un-dedicated. But it's made even harder when you finally make it to the top of the hill, just to be shoved back to the bottom, finding yourself laying in a pile of interviews, notes and computers. It's the most disheartening and discouraging thing to feel that you've tried your hardest and done your best work, only to be brushed off and treated like your success as a student is not important.

In the face of feeling completely dismissed and disregarded, what can you do except keep trying to be seen and heard? I feel so supported and encouraged by friends and family to push a little harder and keep trying. Who else do you rely on? Who else can help you during something like this? In the last six months or so, when I was completely frustrated and devastated at the lack of response from my advisor I have felt God's presence right beside me. When I feel like giving up and I can't find the motivation to even look at the work I've done so far, I hear Him whispering in my ear that this is just temporary. I hear Him encouraging me to finish the race set before me and to finish well. I hear Him reminding me to turn the other cheek, to forgive the person who has failed me so miserably, and to hold tight to Him during this hard time.

I have 25 days until this all comes to an end in either a cap and gown or another devastating loss. I don't know which ending it will be, but I'm encouraged to trust the Lord and to trust His perfect timing. He has a plan for me and right now that's all that matters. Right now, that's all I can do.